I hear you husband say in him testimony at church two Sundays ago that doctor just diagnose you with cancer of the pancreas. Stage 4. That is well serious. The Bible say you must cast your cares on Jesus for He cares for you.
Remember: the good Lord not taking you where you not supposed to go. My sister-in-Christ, I pray you live. Me and the other prayer warriors gather ‘round Herbert that morning and pray ‘til some of we get slain in the spirit and flatten out on the ground like dead fish. Even now, I get on mi knees for you to live but, Missus, if you going dead, you better prepare. You soul already going to Glory but who going plan you funeral good but you?
You and Herbert have no brother or sister. You parents dead. Unno never have no pickney and you know Herbert couldn’t even plan how to get the gizzada and grater cake to sell at the church BBQ, which you and me know is the easiest job. Him can’t plan you funeral. Herbert is a good man. You must know that, after all, unno married for over 20 years. But you also know him going fall apart when you dead, so the planning of this fall to you.
Lucky for you, Jehovah know why the Holy Spirit move me to talk to you this morning. ‘Cause I preparing for mi earthly departure now and if you can benefit from what mi do already, mi heart would glad.
The first thing you must do is make up you mind ‘bout who you do not want to come to you funeral. As for me, me already know who not going be at my funeral. You know mi now as Deaconness Smith, but mi did wild when mi young. You would find mi at every dance, wining with a man behind mi. I don’t want none of dem ole skettel from that life to come sit in the good-good church pews and shame mi. Dem loose women going come in sequin dress with the back out, no brassiere, jeweled high heel boot, fishnet stockings and feather boas. And dem going cry like is last night dem see mi. Now and then, when the spirit take me, I will go to a oldies party and skank but is really to evangelise. Mi soul-case tired to invite dem to church to change dem life. Well, I pass a message to Inez that if dem hear me dead, keep far or me goin’ haunt dem.
At my funeral, under no circumstances do I want to see dry-head Mavis, who walk ‘round and fas’ inna people business. You know the insect you see sometime on you clothesline on the sheet and towel that name “Grudgeful”? The same one that eat down you plants and brown when it young but green when it adult and smell bad when you crush it? Dem worse than chink. Well, that is Mavis.
But most of all, I don’t want Inspector Gladstone to come to my funeral. Mi rather the dutty gyal dem show up, than him pass the threshold of the church. The casket would start to shake and roll. Mi duppy would rise up and box him.
For the funeral home, you should use Grantley’s Funeral Services. Although dem is not the cheapest, Leonard Grantley is we church brother, so support him. Is a nasty lie that the night before him wife funeral somebody catch him dress up in him dead wife’s clothes, waltzing with her body in the funeral home. People just love spread rumour. Ask Leonard for a plain wooden casket. Not the fancy white or glass one them have these days. Do a closed casket. Mi nuh like the idea of people looking at mi and mi can’t stare back. Plus, is better they remember how you face did look when you was alive. Even though some days you can’t stand to see you own face in the mirror.
As for food, this is important: don’t let the hungry-belly people nyaam out poor Herbert. I will make a big pot of chicken foot soup and one pot of mannish water and some curry chicken and plenty white rice. This will stretch. If mi had money my funeral would have a doubles man, like the one mi did see in Trinidad when the church went there for convention last year. Mi want dem to make the doubles fresh, right there at the doubles stand. I want the barrah thick and crispy. I want him dump on the channa, shadon beni and tamarind chutney. The doubles man did show me the right way to eat it: right there at the stand when it piping hot…you fold the barrah in half and scoop up the channa wid it…Mi want people to leave my funeral satisfied and full, like dem just eat 5 doubles. And we all need something to satisfy we, when life so bitter. But for your funeral, curry chicken will do.
When it comes to the funeral program, you have the choice of a black and white one with just the order of service or one with coloured pictures of you from you young until now in special moments with you friends and relatives. Take the black and white. Herbert going have to pay and you don’t need to get fancy in you death.
Make sure that on the program dem put you date of birth, down to the year. Some people leave it out so you don’t know how old dem really is. But at our age, we age is we badge of honour. You program is you permanent record. It official, like passport. All who used to lie ‘bout dem age, is here you confess that you actually 5 years older than what you used to tell everybody.
The venue for you funeral is, of course, our church, with the date to be determined. Just make sure is not a Saturday when dem using the church bus for the beach trip to the North Coast, or else little bit of people will come to you burial site. People want a ride from the church to the graveyard and back. As you know, taxi don’t like to run up dem parts here and the people too cheap to reach inna dem pocket anyhow.
Don’t bother with a eulogy or long tributes. Pastor sermon going long enough. Nuh make the people wish dem was in the casket with you. Take an offering for the church building fund.
In you program, have a special message to you loved ones. Mine going say:
“Telford, mi shoulda married you when you ask mi.”
“My one grandson Andrew, mi know you can’t be here. Mi sorry about what mi do to you. I love you so much, mi can’t bear it up.”
I meet Telford at a dance when mi was 20. Telford had moves, you see! Him was the only one who could match me on the dance floor. Him had big dreams. Him tell me him want to work on a cruise ship and travel the world. Him don’t like him job as janitor in a hotel.
One thing lead to another and we start go ‘round together. Telford did want us to married, but mi hesitate ‘cause mi did young. Then him mother in the US file for him and then boops! Just so, Telford gone out of we life. Is after him gone, I realise mi pregnant and we had a girl-chile, Daphne, who mi raise on mi own. I don’t trust stepfather so mi never expose mi little girl to them. And honestly, having her change me. After a while, mi never need no man.
Daphne had her father same wandering spirit. She went up to America on a visitor visa and never come back. But Daphne left mi with her son, Andrew. Andrew soon turn 15 and is a quiet boy. Big imagination. Him could draw any and every thing and say him was going to be artist and architect. Him best friend was a Haitian named Jean. Jean was a good boy. Him want to be doctor. Jean and him brother did wash up like Sargassum seaweed on a beach on the coast. Dem was fleeing Haiti. At first them did disappointed it wasn’t Miami but them adjust. The Jamaican Government agree to keep the refugees and place them in housing and send the pickney dem to school.
Jean’s big brother, Philipe, was the devil though. I couldn’t put mi finger on it but I knew him was up to no good. Him stop go school and yet him neck full off of gold chain and him finger full of big ring.
“Easy nuh, granny!” Andrew would say when mi tell stay away from Philipe. After a while, I notice I seeing Jean at my house less and less. I start to see Andrew and Philipe together.
Philipe have a dark brown birthmark the shape of Jamaica on the side of his face. “I was meant to come here,” him say. From a distance, it look like Philipe’s right eye smaller than the left. When you get closer you see that is a dry eye socket. Something dig it out when him was a child, him say. A rat or cat when him family was sleeping on the streets. Who can a one eye man lead but the blind? When I tell Andrew that him laugh.
“Yuh want fi end up in prison?” I say.
“For what?”
“Don’t follow bad company! It will kill yuh!” and I start to sing the hymn “When Peace Like a River”, which was my signal the argument was over and I didn’t want to hear no more.
In terms of funeral hymns, you can’t go wrong with “What A Friend We Have In Jesus”, “And Can It Be”, “The King of Love My Shepherd Is” and “Mine Eyes Have Seen The Glory”. Ask the choirmaster Elder James what songs him recommend. He know what the choir can sing so dem don’t sound like dem drowning puss inna plastic bag. In school, mi music teacher used to call me “She with the Golden Voice” and the pickney dem say me name “Golden Throat.” Is just true badmind why I don’t join the church choir. At my funeral, I going have Chupa sing Ken Boothe “Everything I Own” and Doris Day “It’s Magic.” Them was Telford’s favourites. Mi going also dedicate Beres Hammond “Can’t Stop A Man” to him.
***
Do, missus, tell people to turn off them cellphone during you funeral service. That way, people cell phone going start ring wid dem fancy ringtone and all kinda music. And if you don’t mind sharp, dem going try open the casket and take you picture. Bright and feisty! People too outta order. The young people is the worst.
Is a cell phone put Andrew in problem. Mi start hear that some Haitians involved in smuggling guns and drugs in and out of Jamaica. It didn’t rest well in mi spirit. All the boys in the area now following ‘round Philipe like puppy. Andrew’s grades start drop.
I call his mother in New York out of desperation.
“So whaddaya expect me to do, mom?” Daphne sey in her Jamerican accent.
“Come fi yuh pickney or carry him up.”
“You know I’m not straight here. I barely make enough cleaning houses to support myself, much less another mouth. Look, I gotta go.” The click on the other end tell mi that the argument done.
I decide to do some investigation on mi own. I search Andrew Spiderman backpack that him mother send for him. I seeing the textbooks he leave to go school with in the mornings but I not seeing nothing written in his exercise books.
Then I find the cell phone. I know I never give him and him mother don’t send him money directly, so how him get it? I take it away and hide it.
***
Make sure you put the Bible verses you want people to read at you funeral.
It was a night I come home from Bible study at church that I find Philipe and Andrew huddle around mi dining table. I knew something was wrong. There was a strong marijuana scent in the air.
Philipe couldn’t miss the look on my face, so him say:
“Sa pral byen Granma, pa enkyete.”
Then Andrew translate it for me:
“It’s going to be okay, Grandma, don’t worry.”
Philipe grunt: “bon.” Andrew reply “wi.” And dem laugh. Not no boy-laugh but deep and throaty like two big man.
“We don’t have to suffer forever,” Andrew say and I tell him that working hard cleaning the primary school wasn’t suffering and it was honest bread.
He hiss his teeth and say him tired to come from a family that just clean people filth and I box him.
Him stagger back and I tell him and Philipe to get the hell out of mi house. Mi couldn’t sleep that night.
***
You may have to arrange for the police to do crowd control at you funeral, depending on how many mourners you expecting to show up. Whatever you do, don’t call the one Inspector Gladstone.
After I put out Andrew and Philipe, the next day mi call Inspector Gladstone. His mother and I were neighbours. I give him the cellphone and is like it burning mi hand.
“You doing the right thing,” Inspector Gladstone say, writing down everything in him notebook. Him tall and dark and take up almost mi whole living room.
“We have intelligence that something going down at the beach tonight. Philipe is a person of interest.” He looked at me long and hard when him say: “Andrew is a good boy. If he cooperates, I can protect him.”
I did just want Andrew to turn around him life. Him so bright and have big things ahead for him. Him can do better than clean up people dirty place.
Oh! Mi nearly forget; make sure to ask sister Doris to clean the church before your funeral. She is the only one who take her time when she clean. She will dust off the windows and bench, and mop and sweep the floors good until them shine.
Mi hope that the ignorant young boy dem in the village, who love rub out weed in dem hand-middle, don’t bother wid no gun salute at the gravesite. That will give the old people heart attack and who knows where a stray bullet can end up.
The night after Inspector Gladstone leave mi house, the news say that there was a shoot out on the beach. A boat carrying guns from Haiti in exchange for Jamaican marijuana get pounce on by cops that was waiting fi dem. But the smugglers act quick.
Inspector Gladstone get shot in him bottom and another cop shot in the foot, and when they done round up everybody, Philipe dead and dem hold Andrew.
Police say they find a .40 Smith and Wesson and eight .40 cartridges of ammunition on Andrew. I know is plant dem plant it. Andrew father did get shot by a gunman when Andrew was a baby so Andrew don’t like gun. Andrew father used to be a side-man on a garbage truck and dem kill him Christmas Eve.
The police get all the information they need from the cell phone I give them. This put more nail in Andrew coffin. And did Inspector protect Andrew? Not a backside! Inspector get big write up in the newspaper and congratulations from the Commissioner of Police and the Prime Minister for cracking what them call “a major smuggling ring.”
The prosecutor say although Andrew is a minor, dem have to lock him up fi 3 years in a juvenile detention facility til him turn 18.
Then, busybody Mavis start to walk and tell people that Andrew is a criminal and that dem was also smuggling people. Foolishness!
Sister, mi just walk you through the valley of mi pain. Mi planning mi funeral ‘cause mi is afflicted with something worse than cancer. And most days the guilt tear through mi belly. So you see why mi not long for this world. I don’t know how much more this heart can take.
Mi know you going be wondering how Herbert going manage after you funeral. But as fi Herbert, let not you heart be troubled.
He will be lonely but only for a time. Plenty good woman in the church him can remarry. Don’t worry. Mi help him with that too.