Felice sat hunched over her embroidery hoop, her glasses perched on the tip of her nose. She looked up occasionally over the rim to check a paper pattern that was spread on the table in front of her. A stretch of aida cloth with colourful images hung from one side of the hoop. Every once in a while she set the hoop on the table, spread the cloth out, her head tilted to one side as she surveyed the work. Then she picked up the hoop again and continued to work. Her hands moved quickly as she thrust the needle through one hole of a square of the aida cloth, pulled it up through the top part of the hoop and thrust it down diagonally through another hole to make a series of crosses and shape the stitches into the pattern she was creating. It was the image of a young woman, smiling, in graduation robes, the mortar board askew on her head and her arm raised, holding a scroll. Her feet and shoes were hidden by a flowering shrub which Felice was now working on quickly. She wanted to complete that section of the cloth before her granddaughter arrived later. It was her way of showing her that she was proud of her. When she began working the cloth she had intended it to be a runner for her dining table but she realised from the scenes and characters she had included it was inappropriate for that purpose. It was more like a tapestry, depicting scenes from her environment and events from her life. She had included them on a whim based on whatever her memory had tossed up as she worked. Now that she looked at them she realised that they were in some sort of chronological order with events from her childhood first. She looked up over the rim of her glasses as Adele, her caregiver, entered the room. She shook her head and gave Felice a disapproving look.
“You know you should be resting now. I didn come before because I thought you were sleeping but I see I have to check on you more. How you get the work basket?”
Felice smiled. “I went over there and got it.”
“Now suppose you had fall down. How you think I could explain that, eh?”
“Adele, I’m not an invalid. You worry too much. If I don’t move around I won’t be able to get up at all after a while. I’m ok.”
“So you been working all this time on this fine fine stitching you doing. What about your eyes, eh? And later you going ask me to rub your hands. You not so young now, you know. You overdoing things and I will get the blame.”
“Don’t be silly. Look! You like it? I finish the part with Eva so I can show her later. You like it?”
“It beautiful, oui! It really nice. All these small stitches and the colours. I don’t know how you doing all this.”
“My eyes and hands are still good and as long as they good, I’ll keep stitching. You think Eva will like it?”
“How you mean? She must like it oui. Is for her you doing it?”
“Yes. She’s the only one I have left. It has many stories, some secrets. I’ll have to tell her. Maybe Eva can keep a secret.”
You soon run out of cloth, you know. Now you finish the part with Miss Eva what you going to put in this last part? I see you start it already.”
“That’s a secret. You and Eva will find out when it’s finished.”
Adele started to put the floss into the work basket. “You need to put it away now, Miss Felice. You must get a rest before Miss Eva come. Here, let me fold this for you. Relax now, I’ll bring your tea and medicine. You have time for a little rest.”
“Thanks, Adele, but I don’t want to be drowsy. Let’s leave the medicine for later.”
Adele opened her mouth and pointed with her index finger as though she was about to reprimand Felice. She shook her head, picked up the work basket and put it in the centre of the table, out of Felice’s reach.
“As long as I don’t get blame if something happen to you. Rest a little and I’ll bring the tea.”
“Let’s leave the tea too, till Eva comes. We’ll have so much to talk about.”
Adele shook her head again and walked to the door. Felice smiled and looked at her as she walked away. As soon as Adele shut the door, she got up, shuffled around the table and pushed the work basket towards the end where she was sitting. She hummed a tune as she opened it and began taking out the needlework.
==========
Eva pulled her chair closer to her grandmother’s. Felice looked at her with a worried expression.
“I hope Martha doesn’t mind you’re going to stay with me for the rest of your vacation.”
“Oh no, she doesn’t. I already spent two weeks with her. Besides, she has other grandchildren and I’m the only one you have.”
“True. But I always remember how fussy she was when Denis and your mother had to live here for a few months after they got married; before they got their own place. But a lot of time has passed so I suppose it’s ok now.”
“I’m sure it is, Nanfie, and I’m looking forward to spending this time with you. Remember? You promised to teach me how to cross stitch so here’s your chance. I’ll be gone for quite a while when I go back to study.”
Felice leaned back in her chair and smiled.
“I so proud of you, Eva. Imagine my only grandchile a doctor. Your father would be proud of you too.”
“I know. But I think he’d be proud of me whatever career I chose.”
“That’s true. I wish he was here and your mother too.”
“Me too. I miss both of them.”
“The laws for drunk driving not strict enough. The person who slammed right into their car and killed them still alive and my only son and his wife gone. Life too hard.”
“It hurts to think about it Nanfie, but I’m sure they’d want us to remember the good times and the good things that have happened since. You and Grandma Martha are closer now, aren’t you? And they did change the law.”
“Yes, but it still not strict enough. Look! I stitched a pattern of them on their wedding day.” She reached into her basket, pulled out the cloth and put it on the table. Eva stood up and helped to spread it out.
“It’s lovely, Nanfie. So many images and so colourful. Yes, this part looks like Mama and Pa. How did you get it done?”
“You remember the website for creating patterns you told me about? I couldn’t work that out. Too old for all that but they had a mailing address so I sent the photographs I wanted designed and they sent back the patterns with suggestions for the colours of the floss. It didn’t cost much either. All these other images I made up the patters for them myself. See here? Look at this one of you on graduation day.”
“Oh yes! It does look like me too. Even the dress I was wearing. And that looks just like Mama and Pa too! It’s lovely, Nanfie.”
“I hoped you would like it because I’m going to give it to you. I’m working on the last part while you’re here so you can learn how to stitch using the counted method. You can work on something of your own too.”
“Ok, I’ll sit with you for an hour or so when you’re working so I can learn. What about all these other scenes? This is a lot of work!”
“Most of them are from my life; things that happened, mostly.”
“What about this one? That’s an image of the Virgin Mary, isn’t it?”
“Yes, and these little girls are flower girls. When I was small my mother used to send me to be a flower girl in the procession. We had baskets of petals and we used to throw them in front of the statue which older girls used to carry on a pallet on their shoulders. See? I put in two flower girls. I don’t think they do processions like that anymore.”
“I don’t remember them so they must have stopped. What about these two figures? This one is in bright red and surrounded by a shadow. How come?”
“His story nott nice. I never told anyone but since the cloth will be yours, I’ll tell you.”
===========
Eva sat down while Felice folded the cloth, leaving the image with the two figures exposed.
“I was about ten at the time, preparing for confirmation. It was my first year in secondary school too. The nuns used to make us observe all the feasts as a school group. Once a month, every first Thursday, they would take all of us, the Catholics, that is, to the church for confession and then to the first Friday mass on the next day. Several priests would come to hear the confessions so we could get back to school by midday. This one in the sunshine is Father Benedict. I liked going to him for confession. He always told me a story that helped me to understand why it was important to avoid certain things. He was our chaplain and popular with everybody. He would come to the school to lead the retreats during lent. This other one, Pere Auguste was different. He had problems and he could hardly speak English at first. The first time I went to him for confession he asked me if I had pwèl. Can you imagine? I was shocked. I couldn’t say anything. I knelt there with my head down. He went on for a while asking foolish questions. Did my sister have pwèl, did I see it and what was it like. I didn’t have a sister but I didn’t bother to answer. After a while he stopped talking but I could hear him breathing through the lattice that separated the compartments. Then he said:
“Pardon, sorry. Allez. You ave to go. Stand up and I will give you absolution. Mind you, he was the one who had done all the talking and I hadn’t confessed anything. I stood up because I wanted to get out of there fast. I could see through the lattice and I couldn’t believe what I saw. He had exposed himself and was holding on to his penis. I ran out and went to the pews where we had to sit when we were finished with confession. I looked around but no one else seemed to be upset. I knew I was not the first or the only girl who had gone to that confessional but no one seemed to be distracted. I leaned back against the seat of the pew looking around, then I felt a hard slap on my back which pitched me forward. I heard the principal’s voice saying “Sit up and don’t slouch.” She hit so hard I almost swallowed my tongue.
I didn’t tell anyone about this. I couldn’t. I thought if he had done this to other girls they would have said something and the Bishop would have sent him away but he stayed and was in that same confessional for years. I tried to avoid him by going to the section where Father Benedict was but I couldn’t always manage it. I would let others take my turn and then I would go to the after confession pews sometimes without having gone to confession. That way I avoided him but I also missed confession and I would worry because I would have to go to communion without having confessed. I thought I was done for, thought it was all my fault; that I had done something wrong to make him say the things he said and behave in the way he did. It had to be my fault because no one else seemed upset. A few times I got away with pretending to be sick on the first Thursday so I wouldn’t have to go to school. Why didn’t I tell my mother? I was blaming myself and thinking it was my fault. I thought she wouldn’t believe me. I couldn’t tell the nuns either because if they were so quick to slap our backs for what they called slouching I was sure they wouldn’t want to hear anything like that. I wouldn’t know how to approach them anyway. So I kept it all to myself and I avoided him as much as I could. I had almost forgotten about this but the recent news about the scandals in the church brought it all back. I should have said something at the time but I didn’t and I thought perhaps that by not speaking up others may have had to go through what I did. That’s why I stitched this. To recognise Father Benedict’s goodness and it was my small way of showing up Pere Auguste. That’s why he’s in shadow and has a leering look. It sets him apart from Father Benedict. It’s my way of getting a little revenge.”
Felice leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes. Eva went and sat on the arm of her chair. She reached out and took Felice’s hand.
“Are you ok, Nanfie? You look a little pale.” Felice opened her eyes, sighed and closed them again.
“It’s the palpitations.” She put her free hand over her heart. “Telling you about this upset me all over again. Just think of how many might have been hurt because of Pere Auguste. I should have said something.”
“Nanfie, you were only ten. You shouldn’t blame yourself. There were probably other victims like you. You must forget it now. Did Miss Adele give you your medicine? You know you must take it every day. Did you?” Felice pointed to a side table with a small tray and a glass of water.
“It’s over there.”
Eva went across to the table to get the pills. By the time she went back to give them to Felice she had drifted off to sleep.
=========
“Look at this, Nanfie. What do you think?” Felice took the square of aida cloth that Eva gave her.
“You getting good at this, Miss Eva. You preparing for the neat stitching you have to do on bodies when you become a surgeon.”
Eva laughed. “I’m not even sure what I want to specialise in yet. But this stitching is relaxing. It will calm me when I get stressed.”
“Stressed my foot.” Felice sucked her teeth, making a loud steups sound. “If you take after your grandpa you ain’t going get stress.”
Eva laughed. “If I take after Grandma Martha I’ll definitely get stressed. If she were here she’d be frowning and tut tutting because you steupsed just now. If I did that she would say ‘Stop it! That’s rude!” They laughed.
“Not even someone like Martha could make Lionel feel stress. He was laid back, cool like you’d say. And he liked to dance. That’s how we met. I went to this party and he asked me to dance and we ended up dancing together whole night. After that he was my best dancing partner and then we became life partners. After I met him no one else could interest me. We had a good life but he died too young. Denis was only five. Lionel liked fishing as much as he liked dancing. Spear fishing. I used to go with him to the beach and wait while he went diving and spear fishing. After Denis was born I couldn’t go as often and I was at home on the day he didn’t come back. It was cloudy that day and I don’t like the beach on cloudy days. I asked him not to go but he said it was snapper season and he wanted to catch a few. It’s my favourite and Lionel always tried to get them for me. He usually came home by six so we could spend time with Denis and then the evening together.
I knew something was wrong when he didn’t come home. I called his fishing partner, Ralph, but he said he hadn’t gone because he had the flu and the weather hadn’t been good. He went out to the beach where they usually fished and he called me to say there was no sign of Lionel but he found his clothes and slippers under the sea grape tree where they usually left their things. Ralph said he had alerted the coast guard right away but I knew that something bad had happened. I dressed Denis early next morning and went to the beach. Ralph was already there. A coast guard boat was out on the water a short distance from the shore and two divers were looking for him. When they brought him up he was still clutching his spear and he looked just as if he was coming in from a swim except that a fish or something had nibbled his upper lip and there was a raw white spot of flesh. Up to today I’m still not sure what happened. He was a good swimmer. The autopsy report said he drowned but something must have happened to cause that. I don’t know if they checked everything. I worried about it until one night I dreamt that we were at the beach and he came out of the sea all wet and smiling. He knelt in the sand in front of me and Denis and he said “I’m ok, don’t worry.” He picked Denis up and lifted him high in the air as he used to do. I woke up crying. See? I stitched this scene here – Denis laughing while Lionel lifts him high in the air. The dream seemed so real; but I had to carry on and raise Denis on my own. He grew up to be a good man, like his father. I miss both of them. Sometimes you only realise how deeply you love after the loved one is gone.
=========
Eva sat on a chair close to the bed. Felice slept fitfully and she opened her eyes occasionally and muttered. Eva could only make out some words if she bent close to Felice. There were moments when Felice was lucid and had snatches of conversation but these were few. Adele came into the room and handed Eva a cup of tea.
“How she doing, Miss Eva?”
“So, so, Miss Adele. Sometimes she’s wide awake and we talk, but she drifts off and talks about all sorts of things. Most times I don’t know what she’s talking about but I know her mind must be on grandpa because she says his name often.”
“She travelling, Miss Eva. That’s what they call travelling. The old people say when somebody dying their spirit does travel and they seeing all sort of thing that happen in their life and other things too.”
“She has trouble breathing so sometimes it’s hard to make out what she says.”
“I don understand how she take a turn so sudden.”
“The doctor said it’s the heart causing fluid to build up in her chest and her lungs. Best we can do is make sure we give her the medication and keep her comfortable. She’s a little brighter today.”
“Like she was waiting for you to come.”
“I wish we had more time together. The month went by so quickly. I was enjoying my time with her.”
“Before you come, Miss Felice push herself too hard with all that stitching. I tell she so but she didn’t listen. Like she know she didn have much time and she did want to finish the cloth she give you.”
Eva handed the teacup to Adele.
“Thanks for the tea. Maybe we can get Nanfie to drink a little broth today. You can make some light chicken broth for her?”
“Yes, I start to make it already. Call me when you ready.”
“Thanks, Miss Adele.”
Felice opened her eyes and looked at Eva who reached out and held her hand. She motioned to Adele who helped her lift Felice into a sitting position. They puffed up her pillows and propped her back against them.
“I’ll bring the soup quick, Miss Eva.” Adele hurried out of the room.”
“Lionel was here. He brought some snapper for supper. Did you see him?”
“No, Nanfie. You must have been dreaming.”
“No, no. He was here. Saw him clear as day.”
“Have a sip of water.” Eva put a straw into her grandmother’s mouth and held the glass as she sipped.”
“Enough… what’s today?”
“Thursday, Nanfie. You got sick on Tuesday. Doctor says you must rest to avoid getting palpitations.”
“The old heart tired, Eva...”
They sat in silence for a while. Felice closed her eyes. Eva pulled the blanket up under her chin and tucked her arm under it. Felice turned her head to look at Eva.
“Thursday… today is confession… If is Pere Auguste I not going…” Her voice trailed off. She closed her eyes. After a while she spoke softly with her eyes closed. “I didn’t tell you all the story…” Her voice trailed off again and Eva leaned closer to hear her. She spoke in snatches with pauses in between as she seemed to drift into deep thought. “Didn’t tell you how he opened the lattice … when I stood up… he grabbed my hand and made me touch him… touched me too, all over… felt dirty…I ran when he let go my hand.”
“You must let this go now, Nanfie. Wasn’t your fault.” Eva patted her grandmother’s hand.
“Couldn’t confess that…lost faith…lost all… Call Fr Benedict…”
“He’s not here, Nanfie. He died a long time ago. Both of them. Try to forget. Do you want me to call Father John? He’s kind and understanding. I can ask him to hear your confession and give you a blessing with the holy oils. May I?”
There was a long silence then Felice looked at Eva and nodded.
While Adele fed Felice some broth, Eva went to arrange for the priest to visit. He went back with her to the house and she sat outside the door while he went in, holding a small vial of oil.
“I’ll speak with her for a while to hear her confession and you can come in when I do the anointing and blessing.”
Eva witnessed her grandmother receiving the last rites and she sat at her bedside after Father John left. Felice seemed more peaceful. She had drifted off to sleep but her breathing was shallow. It was getting dark outside. Eva turned on the bedside lamp. Felice opened her eyes.
“Is late, but Lionel coming. See him down the street?”
Eva got up to close the window and draw the curtains. She went back to sit beside the bed and she pulled up the blanket to tuck it over her grandmother’s shoulders. Felice gave a deep sigh and was quiet.
===========
Eva and her grandmother walked slowly, stopping to examine each exhibit.
“How did you manage this?” Martha turned to look at Eva. “I never knew Felice had done so much work.”
“I asked the people I knew she had given samplers as gifts and they were happy to loan them when I explained I wanted to exhibit her work.”
“Impressive, I must say!” Martha stepped back, her back tilted at a slight angle, her grey hair in layered curls around her head. She removed her glasses, shut one eye and looked through one of the lenses with the other. She put the glasses back on, leaned forward, squinted then stood upright. “This is really remarkable, Eva. Why didn’t she do anything with all this before?”
“She was happy working them and giving them away as birthday and anniversary gifts.”
“Hmph!” Martha clicked her tongue. Eva glanced at her quickly.
“It’s a pity you two didn’t get to know each other better, Grandma. I’m sure you would have enjoyed her company and she would have created something special for you.”
“Hmm. I don’t know. Felice Fevrier kept to herself; anyway, we always moved in different circles. I sometimes wondered whether she had any social circle at all. At least there’s the piece she gave your parents for their wedding. The two hands holding white doves. Didn’t you find it in the trunk?”
“Yes, it’s over there.” They walked along and stopped in front of another exhibit. “See? Fresh and perfect as though she stitched it yesterday.”
They looked at the piece with a hand of the groom and bride each holding a white dove and the names Maria and Denis with the date of the wedding stitched in below.
“That belonged to your parents so it’s yours now, Martha said.
“Can you keep it for me while I’m away? It would look good on the wall where you have the family pictures. I have a large piece she gave me and I want to take it with me. I can’t take both. Let me show you the other piece. It’s the main attraction of the exhibition.”
They walked across the room and stopped in front of the wall which was covered almost from one end to the other with an elaborate sampler.
“This is the one she gave me.”
“A tapestry. So detailed…”
“And colourful. Isn’t it exquisite? This is me on graduation day.” Eva pointed to the image of herself in robes, holding a scroll aloft.
“This one looks like your parents on their wedding day. Who would have thought… How did she do this?”
“Nanfie was gifted, grandma.”
“This looks like two priests who were in our parish a long time ago. That’s Father Benedict for sure and this one… this must be Pere Auguste.” She chuckled. “We used to call him Pere Perv. He shouldn’t have been a priest at all. He was closer to a pervert. We used to avoid him and laugh at the things he used to say.”
“Didn’t you or anyone ever report him?”
“Ha! Who would we have reported him to? And who would have listened? They wouldn’t have believed us anyhow. All of them were considered beyond reproach. We just made fun of it. Felice must have known something because the contrast between the two images is stark. They sent him away and that was good. He wasn’t around by the time we got to sixth form. This last bit is fascinating. Looks like Felice herself walking away and waving goodbye.”
“Yes it is. This is how she captured her death. She’s smiling so she must have been happy to go. I think of Nanfie and Grandpa together somewhere; dancing nd happy”.